Coping with grief during the holidays

The holidays can bring up a lot of emotions related to grieving the loss of a loved one.

"During the holidays, it becomes a bit more obvious when a significant person is no longer there. This can be especially true for children, who have a need for consistency and expect things to go as they have in the past," says Lesley Lingnell, LPC-S, RPT-S, Bereavement Specialist at Children's Health℠.

Lingnell offers tips on how to help families cope with grief during the holidays.

Preparing for a holiday without a loved one

It's important to prepare as a family for how the holidays will go – so your children know what to expect. Lingnell recommends having a meeting a week or two before a big holiday celebration and provides tips on how to navigate the discussion.

Open the conversation

To open the conversation, you might say:

I want to have a difficult but important conversation with you all. I'd like everyone in our family to be heard because we want everyone to be able to go through these holidays feeling supported.
I want us to come up with a plan together of how this year's holidays are going to go. Because this year, (loved one's name) is not going to be there and that's going to feel pretty different. It's going to be difficult – for all of us.

Tip: Don't worry about saying everything right. Just allow for a little discomfort and be willing to share your own feelings.

Reflect and share memories of your favorite family traditions

It can be good to share your favorite memory of your loved one during the holidays. Then, invite everyone else to share theirs.

After everyone has shared, ask the group: "Which rituals or traditions might be hardest for you this year?"

"Identifying which traditions remind you most of your loved one helps everyone prepare to support one another and be mindful of how personal grieving can be – because everyone grieves differently," says Lingnell.

Discuss what traditions to keep, change or let go

After you've identified the rituals or traditions that may be most difficult for each of you, it's time to think about which ones you want to do this year – and which ones you want to let go of.

Lingnell urges families to do what works best for their family and not force themselves to participate in traditions or rituals that won't support their grieving process.

"Sometimes, it's just too hard to be around others that may be offering support but don't truly understand. I tell families to free themselves from the pressure of having to attend every party or event and to focus on what will help them cherish the memories of their loved one," says Lingnell.

Tip: Give children grace to also opt out of activities. For example, if they seem reluctant about a holiday-themed school program, you might say: "Let's skip this year. We can always do it next year, if it feels right."

It's also important to let your family know that it's OK to change traditions or make new ones.

How to honor a loved one during the holidays

Ask your children to help come up with a special activity, tribute or keepsake to honor their loved one.

"When you give kids space and permission to share, they'll always come up with their own ideas," Lingnell says.

Lingnell provides two of her favorite ideas for honoring a loved one during the holidays.

A tribute gift to remember:

Everyone thinks about an answer to this question: What gift did (loved one's name) give to me? You may want to provide examples for younger children: Grandpa gave the best hugs. My brother always shared his toys with me.
Each person writes a message or creates a picture that represents their answer.
You put all the answers in a box and wrap the box together.
On the day of the holiday, everyone decides if you want to open the box and share the contents – or just have the box be there, representing your loved one.

Light a candle:

Find a battery-operated candle to put in a central location of your home.
Tell your children: "Whenever someone in the family is feeling sad, thinking a lot about (loved one's name), or having a hard day, you can turn on the candle."
On days when a parent or caretaker notices the candle is on, you can casually say something to children like: "I see the candle is on. I just want you to know that I'm here for you – if you want to talk or if you need a hug."

"The candle can help everyone be a little bit more sensitive to each other – and give each other space to talk – or not talk," Lingnell says.

Find more grief activities to help a child process grief.

Did you know? Younger children can't handle intense emotions for long. Don't be surprised if they run off to play right after your conversation. Play is a safe space for them. Even while you are grieving, it's important to engage in play, be silly, and spend time outdoors.

Be mindful of different expressions of grief in children

Every child grieves differently. This is especially true during the holidays when emotions and stress levels typically run high. What comes to the surface emotionally for a child during the holidays may be hard for them to put into words.

"Often, you'll see signs of grief more in a child's behavior than in their words or feelings. Watch for behavior that's out of line with their typical behavior. A younger child might be a bit more cranky or whiny. A teen may not want to engage in family traditions they used to enjoy and only want to hang out with their friends. This behavior could be stemming from grief," says Lingnell.

Lingnell encourages parents to put a child's behavior in the context of what's to be expected developmentally. For children, grief can resurface in each developmental stage.

"New questions and emotions can resurface over time. Kids can realize different things about the death of the significant person that impact them differently as they get older," Lingnell says.

When to seek grief support for your child

Holding space for your child to feel heard and seen as they grieve during the holidays is a great way to support them. But sometimes, children need additional support.

Signs that a child needs more support include:

Verbalizing concerning or destructive thoughts
Blaming themselves for the death of the loved one
Talking about self-injury
Falling into a caretaker role (feeling responsible for others and their feelings)
Freezing up or withdrawing when they used to be open about their feelings (which could be a sign of anxiety or depression)
A need to control things

"As bereavement specialists, we can be the first line of support because we're trained to support the natural journey of grief. We can talk with parents about what we see and what's age-appropriate – and provide tips and suggestions. We also make referrals to support groups or mental health professionals who provide talk therapy or play therapy," says Lingnell.

Find grief support for your child

If you are having trouble navigating your or your child's grief, please reach out to the Bereavement Care Program for support and resources. If you feel your child is having difficulty coping with feelings of sadness, anxiety or depression, our team of psychologists and psychiatrists at Children's Health can help. Learn more about programs we offer to support mental, emotional and behavioral health.

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