Holiday stress: A guide for LGBTQ+ youth and families

The holidays can be stressful in general. But for LGBTQ+ youth, this season can be especially difficult.

For Jennifer Jefferson, LPC-S, Behavioral Health Care Manager at Children's Health℠, even watching holiday movies as a child would bring up feelings of unbelonging as there were often no LGBTQ+ characters she could identify with.

This is just one example of how the holidays can cause stress and anxiety in LGBTQ+ youth. Jefferson shares common stressors that LGBTQ+ youth experience during the holidays, tips to manage stress and how families can be supportive.

Why can the holidays be stressful for LGBTQ+ youth?

Stressors that can specifically affect LGBTQ+ youth during the holidays can include:

• Lack of acceptance. The holidays might mean interacting with relatives who may not respect or accept their identity.
• Being "out" — or not. Gatherings might include people who may or may not know how a child or teen identifies. They might feel like they have to reveal or hide part of their identity, both of which can be uncomfortable.
• A sense of not belonging. They may feel isolated, different or like they don't fit in.
• Religious tensions. If a family's faith is not accepting of LGBTQ+ identities, it can cause kids and teens to feel anxiety and discomfort.

"During religious holidays, some LGBTQ+ youth may feel like they're not meeting family values and morals, which can lead to guilt and shame," Jefferson says.

LGBTQ+ youth are also at higher risk for mental health issues and family-related pressures and expectations during the holidays can make it worse.

Stress management for LGBTQ+ youth during the holidays

LGBTQ+ youth may or may not have a supportive or caring adult to help them navigate holiday gatherings and festivities. However, these strategies can help them manage the stress that may come with the season.

Set boundaries

Boundaries are personal rules that can help protect your time, energy and feelings. They show others how you want to be treated. Ideally, parents or a caring adult can help LGBTQ+ youth set and enforce boundaries. But youth can also decide for themselves what they are and are not willing to discuss at holiday gatherings and how to disengage.

For example, a teen may not want to talk about their current relationship. They might choose to share that boundary with others or excuse themselves if it comes up.

Focus on what you can control

Jefferson often recommends that kids think about what they can and can't control. LGBTQ+ youth can control their boundaries, actions and what they choose to discuss at holiday events.

"You can't control what other people say about you, but you can control how you feel about yourself," Jefferson says. "So I'll often help kids identify what helps them feel better about themselves so they can focus on that."

Practice holiday self-care and coping skills

It's important for LGBTQ+ youth to practice self-care to manage stress during the holidays. This means making time for activities that nourish their physical and mental health. Self-care looks different for everyone, but it might include:

• Listening to music
• Playing video games
• Hanging out with friends
• Exercising
• Taking a bath
• Spending time outside
• Breathing exercises
• Journaling
• Lighting a candle (aromatherapy)
• Sipping holiday tea or baking cookies

How to support LGBTQ+ youth during the holidays

Adults, parents and caregivers can support the LGTBQ+ youth in their life this holiday season by ensuring they feel safe, loved and accepted. Caring adults can serve as their advocates and help them navigate holiday gatherings by:

• Using their preferred pronouns. If a teen has shared their preferred pronouns, make sure to use it and politely correct others who don’t.
• Making a code word or signal with them. A code phrase or signal can be used if something makes your child uncomfortable. For example, if your child grabs their ear or says “I think I left something in the car” that can be your cue to help them get out of a conversation.
• Don't make them explain their identity. It is important to respect their identity and preferred pronouns even if you or others may not understand. It is not fair to ask them to explain or defend their choices because they may not know how to verbally do that. These questions will often make them feel uncomfortable and misunderstood.
• Check in often. Ask them how they are doing and feeling throughout the festivities. Keep an eye on them. If they look anxious, you might pull them to the side to see what they need. After gatherings you might ask them questions like:
  • How did tonight go for you?
  • What made you feel supported?
  • Were there any times you felt like you needed more support?

While the holidays can be stressful for LGBTQ+ youth, there may be other things that they are also dealing with. They may be worried about school, friends, a big game, politics or something more.

"We don't want kids to have negative feelings about the holidays when it's actually many things snowballing," Jefferson says. "I help kids identify all the specific things that are making them feel stressed and find ways to lower that stress."

Find mental health support for your child

When stress becomes too much for your child, pediatric psychologists at Children's Health can help. Learn more about programs we offer to support mental, emotional and behavioral health.

You can also access emotional care and support from the comfort of your home with Virtual Visit Behavioral Health. With a behavioral health care appointment, you can speak to a board-certified psychiatrist or licensed therapist using video technology. Learn more about Virtual Visit Behavioral Health.