Friendships are crucial to human development. Research shows that people thrive in social settings, by in-person interaction and by having high-quality friendships. Friendships are one of the best ways to protect kids from loneliness and isolation – and boost their self-esteem and mental health.
Helping your child develop good social skills early on helps set them up for having successful relationships later on – both professionally and personally.
Ranya Alnatour, PsyD, Pediatric Psychologist at Children's Health℠, shares common challenges that children face when making friends and gives tips on how parents can support them.
What can hinder or prevent children from making friends?
There are many factors that can make it challenging for kids to make friends, including:
- Electronics and social media. Much of kids' communication is done via text or through online games or social media. That means there's less playing outside with friends, which is where kids learn relationship-building skills.
- ADHD and autism. Conditions like ADHD and autism add a layer of challenge to making friends. Kids who have these conditions often need extra practice and focus on developing social skills.
- The pandemic. The COVID‑19 pandemic posed a huge obstacle to the development of good social skills because it was isolating for many children.
- Lack of modeling. Many parents also communicate more through devices instead of calling friends or interacting with them in person.
6 tips on how to help your child make friends
1. Plan in-person activities
A great way to give a child more in-person interaction time is to encourage them to sign up for a sport or a club at school, a local community group, center, church or library.
"It gives kids a big social advantage to be surrounded by kids who have similar interests. Sports and clubs give children time to get to know each other. Plus, friendships that are interest-based may last longer because they're not dependent on being in the same school or class," says Dr. Alnatour.
2. Teach emotional regulation
Teaching kids good emotional regulation is one of the building blocks to communicating well and developing healthy relationships.
Helping a child identify their emotions and cope with big emotions is a really important skill needed to maintain a healthy friendship.
Emotions are not just in our mind, but also in our body. That's why it can be effective to first calm the body through deep breathing, which then allows the mind to become calmer.
3. Help them build conflict-resolution and communication skills
A helpful communication tool you can teach your child are "I" messages (messages that start with "I"). If they're feeling upset with a friend, using an "I" message can help them express what they are feeling without placing blame.
Practicing using “I” messages can be transformative for kids – and parents too. They don't put people on the defensive, which helps resolve conflict, hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
Here are a few examples of "I" messages:
Instead of: You ignored me at recess today.
Try: I felt sad when you didn't play with me at recess today. I'd like it if we could play together.
Instead of: You are rushing me.
Try: I feel overwhelmed because I don't have enough time. I'd like it if you could give more time, please.
4. Limit screen time
Limiting screen time has many benefits, including the healthy development of your child's social skills. By not having your child in front of a screen for too many hours of the day, you're providing them with more time to practice in-person communication skills at home, which many kids need. And home is often the safest place for kids to practice.
5. Teach your child how to be a good friend
Dr. Alnatour often asks kids to reflect on what makes a good friend. She does this to help kids understand that a good friend is not just about wanting a kid to like them, it's also about making sure that they like the other person too.
Often, a child will share that a good friend is someone who shares toys, who listens, who is kind, who makes them laugh or who invites them to play.
"After a kid identifies what they think is important in a good friend, I tell them to model those qualities in themselves. When they do that, they're more likely to attract people who have those qualities. So if they want a friend to share more, they should be willing to share with them. If they want somebody to be kind, they need to be kind first," Dr. Alnatour says.
Learn tips for how to raise kind kids.
6. Establish a routine of checking in
Not all families can sit down and have a family dinner every night. But try to establish a few times a week where you ask about their day and model taking an interest in others and asking questions. This will give your child the opportunities they need to practice those important skills.
Here are a few conversation starters and questions to ask your kids:
- How are you feeling today?
- What was the best thing that happened to you today?
- What was the most challenging thing about your day?
- Did anyone get in trouble today?
- What was your favorite thing you learned today?
- Did you do anything brave or kind today?
- What are you most grateful for today?
"These can seem like simple questions. But they help build the basic social skills every kid needs to build friendships and feel successful," Dr. Alnatour says.
When should parents step in if a child is having a problem with a friend?
Step in if you witness or hear about bullying or bullying behavior.
"If there's something unsafe like bullying is going on, I always recommend parents have a conversation with the teacher or the other parent to put a stop to it as soon as possible," Dr. Alnatour says.
Read more about how to spot and stop bullying.
You can also remind your child that it's OK to ask for help from adults when they're not able to solve a problem with a friend or need time to cool down.
But when it's a typical conflict among kids, it can be an opportunity to work on building perspective and empathy with your child, which will help strengthen their problem-solving and negotiation skills.
Here's an example:
- Say a younger child at the playground is not sharing a toy with your child. You can try helping your child build perspective by asking them, "Why do you think they're not sharing their toy with you?"
- Together, you might come up with a possibility like: Maybe they just got the toy two minutes ago and they haven't had enough time with it to be ready to share.
- Then, you might have your child ask the other child if they might be willing to share the toy after having another 5 minutes with it.
By practicing this type of perspective building with your child, they'll start to do it on their own.
Get support for a child who's struggling to make friends
If you need extra support building your child's social skills and helping them make friends, check in with your pediatrician. They can talk to you about your child's behavior and development and provide recommendations. They may also help you identify early warning signs of behavioral health conditions that can impact a child's social skills.
If your child has ADHD or autism, seek support from a behavioral therapist or the school counselor who may be able to help with appropriate accommodations at school.
Learn more
Children's Health offers one of the most comprehensive specialty programs available for children and teens who need mental health services, staffed by experts with access to the latest research and treatments. Learn more about our Pediatric Psychiatry and Psychology services or Virtual Visit Behavioral Health program.
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